End of the Road

15Nov08

The deployment is almost over. Colin is back in the United States, almost three weeks early. I’ve flown back up to Pennsylvania to pick him up. It’s over. He’s almost home.

This blog has honestly never progressed the way that I though that it would. Turns out, I adapted and I really didn’t feel the need to use writing as an outlet for what I was going through. Moving to my parents’ house, back in July, made this so much easier, and the end of the deployment usually did  fly by. It became the day-to-day fact of my life, and it became a “the sun comes up in the morning” kind of thing. Of course I missed him, but it became… normal, which really isn’t a good thing. We’ve been seeing one another for a year. We’ve been physically togther for about forty days of it. I honestly don’t know what it’s like to have him home, and, at this point, it’s kind of scary.

There’s also the fact that I’m sad to leave my parents’ home. I’ve loved living with them, and I’m so glad I did it. When I left home at eighteen, it was under awful circumstances, and they’ve had to watch me spend the past nine years trying to get my life right. I’m finally there. Nothing’s perfect, but at least I’m not running from anything this time. I’ve loved having them right there to talk to, and they’ve been unconditionally supportive. I’ll miss having coffee after dinner with my mom, and watching documentaries with my dad. I’ll miss having my own room, a space that is 100% my own. I’ll miss their Senseo. =) It’s been incredible getting to know them again, and I’m very, very glad that I did it.

I feel guilty for my reluctances. I love Colin, more than I really know how to handle. Somewhere, in my mind, I know that I would marry this man in a heartbeat. I don’t need to physically be in his presence to love him, or to feel that I was loved; Throughout it all, we had the best of each other, despite the distance. I never really felt alone. It was frustrating, not being able to pick up the phone and tell him that I needed him, but I knew that he would call, and I knew that he would never minimize my problems in light of his own. He never expressed any doubt in me, and he never made me feel that I was burdening his mind in any way. If his attitude had been any different, I don’t know if I could have done my part in this.

I’m aware that I have a bit of hero-worship going on here. It took certain, isolated incidents for me to really think that he might die, and it usually passed once the shock did. I really didn’t doubt that he would come home safe. I’m not ignorant of the conditions over there — I just believed that he couldn’t die. In my mind, and in my heart, this man is better than damn near everyone on this planet. Period. He’s only topped out by my daddy, and that’s just the way that it should be. I hope I haven’t set him up for a long fall.

He’s not the same man who left; I’ve already seen that, just from our conversations. I’m not the same person, either. We’re going to have to figure out how to live together, and we’re going to have to do it fast, because, once we’re down there, we’re all we’ve got, when it comes to friends. I haven’t been working yet, and all the people that I know are my parents’ friends. Our social scene is a bit limited. If we can’t live together, we’re a little fucked. I’m actually optimistic about it, though. I think we’ll be fine. We fight a little, but it’s usually constructive, and we apologize when we’re wrong. I’m happy with the way that we handle conflict and I like our dynamic in dealing with problems.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. Everything is so overwhelming and confusing. The mental theme, though, tends towards excitement — We did it. We made it. This deployment actually ended. We are finally back on the same continent, in the same country, and even living in the same time zone. In less than seventy-two hours, I get to go to the airport and pick him up. Then, he’s all mine, and I don’t have to watch the clock this time. I know that I can talk to him about my anxieties regarding his homecoming, and he will face what I feel, without flinching, and help me think through it all. I’m blessed with that, and I know it. We will be fine. I think I found my forever, and I’ll do whatever it takes to keep it.

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