Daily Capitulation

12Mar08

21:36

I’ve never changed my mind so many times about one single thing, as much as I have changed my mind about this damn deployment. Some days, I’m fine. I mean, I miss Clyde, but I’m not tearing up during Hallmark commercials or anything. I look at the countdown I keep running on my computer and think, “Well, that’s not so bad”. Days when the IMs are more than enough, when I feel capable. Then, there’s the days when each hour drags, and nothing I do distracts my attention from the clock. Heaven forbid I should leave my music playlist on random because, Lord knows, something is going to set me to bawling. Those days are hell, from start to finish, and not worth the coffee it takes to get through them.

I’ve always been an emotionally independent person. I’ve never been one to look to other people for praise or encouragement, and I’m not one to seek company simply for the sake of company. I’ve never been lonely in a way that meant I wanted to be around just anyone for the sake of not being alone. I can entertain myself for hours with nothing more than my own thoughts. This knowledge of myself is one of the reasons that I can say to Clyde, with complete confidence, that I can handle this, and I’ll be fine. So, why do I find myself having days when the very thought of the months without him here that are yet ahead brings me to tears?

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