So Much For Adjustment

01Feb08

13:17

A full thirty days have passed since I saw Clyde last. Over those thirty days, I spent an inordinate amount of time moping. I’m getting my grip back, though, and finding my stride.

So, of course, something has changed.

Clyde has been granted a four-day pass for next month. He will be spending it here. Of course, I’m excited to see him again, to spend some more time with him. Still, I’m also dreading it, in a way. It means going through the good-byes all over again. They were rough the first time, and ten times as bad the second time. I’m not looking forward to the third time.

Everything that I’m reading tells me that this is normal. My common sense of psychology tells me this is normal, too. It’s a self-protective mechanism. Great! That just doesn’t make me feel any less guilty about it. I felt the same way while he was here the last time; As it came down the the last couple of days, in some ways, I just wanted it to be over.

It’s a difficult way to feel, wanting to just get the pain over with, but it’s the way it seems to be. The hard truth is, since he has to go, I just want him to go already! I’m tired of thinking about it, tired of dreading it. I just want it to happen. The sooner he deploys, the sooner the countdown begins. I’m sick of waiting.

I know it sounds awful, but this is the way it is right now. Maybe I’ll feel different tomorrow. I don’t know.

~Betty

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